let's start with some light facts. i'm a nurturer, i care deeply. mostly, i care for animals and a very small circle of humans. i protect mine. i will also stand up for the weak and voiceless, for the oppressed. you can address me by the nouns she/her. yes, i'm an ally to the lgbtqi2s+ community. i'm also an advocate for animal rights. i'm also blunt, and sometimes funny. people often flock to me and pour their hearts out in hopes i can give them some relief. sort of like a therapist, but without the credentials. as i said, i care, however, it does come with a limit, because i also need to look after my own mental health.
now, the heavy. i don't think i am depressed, never been diagnosed with depression, although it has come up in talks with my family doctor and with a couple of therapists i've talked to. there is trauma, there is. definitely. it comes from various sources, events, and people who are and have been in my life - some no longer in my life by either their choice or mine. some things still trigger anxiety in me. it wasn't always the case, but in the past 4 to 5 years, it has become apparent that i am trying to deal with some sort of ptsd. there's a lot of anger, pain, and a helluva grief.
i've lost too many loved ones in the past 5 years. some i will talk about, some i won't. i am fine most days, but there are days, and many sleepless nights when i just can't hold it in and i cry. mostly, alone, in silence, or with my face buried into a blanket. i don't always want to cry, but it does help relieve the anguish i feel in that specific moment. i have been trying to find ways to manage that, to control the chest suffocation, the tears. music helps, a good cry helps, gaming helps. temporarily. i've been told time and time again that we all grieve differently, and that time heals all wounds, yadda yadda... whatever. it doesn't heal shit. it only make the shit less present, more tolerable, if at all.
[i actually wrote something in this space, but decided to delete it. it's too painful to bring it up yet.]
all of this, makes me wanna tell everyone to fuck off. i love my friends, only a few i can actually say i can trust, fully. so many of these close friends have disappointed me, let me down. usually, i'd be more accepting/forgiving of someone close to me hurting me, but i will never accept someone using me or being fake with me. people who are close to you when they need you or need something from you, but fuck off when the tables are turned, i can't do that anymore. i'm at a stage in my life that i will choose myself over anyone giving me bullshit and fuckery. it has taken me a while to have the courage to be that tough on people, because of my nurturing nature. i've let go of family because of such behaviour, i will let go of anyone else. however, blood doesn't make you family, i've learnt that in the last decade.
if that's harsh, so be it. i will not be judged for choosing myself and for letting go of the toxic fam/friends. now, how to get rid of the grief, anger and pain? that, is the question. i'm not without fault either.
...but, before you come to any conclusions, try walking in my shoes. you'll stumble in my footsteps.
